Rough draft of the 350 word paragraph due Thursday

Homework:
Choosing the Right Word Unit 12
Rough draft of the media paragraph

We are going to be in the writing lab Thursday.  I would like students to use the computers to type up their pieces, edit them using Word, and get an accurate word count.  I think 350 words is just enough to prove they have learned some of the ideas I have taught.  I am looking for depth.  I would like to see that they understand one idea fully rather than skim over many.

Here is a sample paragraph with some comments for improvement:

Sample of 2011 Media Literacy End of Magazine Unit 350 Word Paragraph
(This could use some improvement, but it is a good start.)

     To start off, I’m going to be completely honest. I forgot my paper in my locker, so I will go off what I remember from what you were saying in class. In class, you had taught us about the different types of advertising. To start off, my favorite would have to be card stacking, and the example was pretty funny. Some of the things that remind me of that is when I watch TV and see the commercial when the sharks are saying how much they like how the one who has just had the Sinkers. I bet you know what I’m talking about. [um.. no I don’t] I also see some other things you have been taking about, for a long time, droning on and on (ha ha). I have been noticing fear of the enemy in one of my least favorite commercials. It makes me cry when the doggy… awwww. I have definitely seen hype and symbol in many commercials if you must know. One is the Tech Deck commercial and all of the female bathroom products, if you must know what I am saying. I have also seen some name calling and many testimonial. But, personally, just because a famous person is using the product doesn’t make me want to go out and buy. I mean seriously. Get a life! On the other hand, I have seen and heard many bandwagon ads for gyms. Some are group dynamics, but not many. Personally, I think that every commercial has nostalgia in it, but that’s just me. But like you said, you don’t want us to give your lesson, so I think that this is where I say goodbye. Bye.

Comments
1. The paper is too conversational and informal.
2. The paper needs a better introduction sentence.
3. There are some good observations here, but the piece is 278 words. I would like 350. Those extra words would have given me more examples to read.
4. The last sentence does not sum up the main lesson of the paragraph.